S T A G E S - - - a l l n e w . a l l n o w .

girl

my wide-eyed world was steam and crockery
blue-edged china bowls, red-tipped black chopsticks
watching Ma steaming rice, stirring soup in a huge dented gray metal pot
her hands, knifing, slicing, chopping
never looking into the eyes of the sun-blackened coolies
as the days flowed by the wharf where they waited in shade
I proffered them heaped bowls of food and in return
they gave me mutters of thanks, small nods, stares and lewd sneers
at my ripening fourteen years
even in my shabbiness I knew I had their attention
and feared, and yet was fond of it
but I could never find the courage to face any one,
especially the one who always sat by the edge of the wharf
accepting the food with a pious pleasure
smiling at me with more than thanks in his eyes
once I swore he held my hand as he took the bowl
I bolted back to Ma, who scolded and slapped me
for my flirtations even though I swore it wasn't me,
Ma, it was him, it was him -
when they found me three days later I was already blue and bloated
Ma cried like any good mother would
it wasn't you, Ma, it wasn't you -
it was me, how careless of your unfilial daughter
to have fallen into the river, or did I jump, or was I pushed - ?
I cannot remember now, just as I've forgotten
why I let him take me that very night
at the back of the warehouse where the spices were kept
all I remember are grasping hands and musty heat
behind closed eyelids, and then the river's dark embrace
death after dying - and although I know he has gone, and I am a memory,
I walk along the wharf, searching for an empty bowl and a pair of chopsticks

Gui Wei Hsin
October 1999

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Comments/Pictures/Performance

Girl was performed at STAGES's open house, Forbidden CC by Melissa Kwek.

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